Here is a koala that news outlets have deemed “sexy.” “This koala is sexier than you,” says the New York Post, quite rudely. The Daily Mail says that this koala, in addition to being sexy, is a “laid-back Lothario” and a “saucy marsupial.”
The photographer, Ross Long, who first posted the viral pic on Instagram, reported that this koala is male, according to the Post. (It is unclear if he witnessed an actual koala penis and, if he did, how big it was.) “There were other female koalas nearby, so I guess this is his way of letting them know that he was indeed ready,” Long reportedly said to Caters News. “He looked more chilled than a Friday night of Netflix and chill. Perhaps this explains why chlamydia is such an issue in the koala world?”
What do you think? Would you fuck him? If you were a koala, I mean?
I wouldn’t. He’s just okay. I don’t like the look in his eye (he seems drunk, and like too-drunk-to-fuck drunk), and the pose is too on the nose, as if Tyra Banks told him, “Fashion but make it hoe.” I do like a pointed toe, but I don’t like it when it’s attached to a foot that looks like a hand. Not to body shame him, just not my thing.
Look, I’m all for a brolic kangaroo. And yes, I do in fact love a flirty cat. But it’s gonna take a miracle for a squat little pot-bellied, screeching monster teddy bear to get me going. If you disagree, have at him.
Final verdict: Not that sexy.
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